build on today

hyper vigilant watch
when on the road now
a new kind of social paranoia
brought on by whatever
angry at the onset of a new hurdle
although doing well at ignoring
the inconvenience hyper
in a lot of aspects
each day building on the success
today and everyday forward
a new sunrise with new eyes
no distractions and ridiculous
daily habits wonder gone
understanding now what
the getting ready was for
hyper-attentive to the needs
of those around me
ones once considered family
blood always proves thicker
the red water fooled me for awhile
how far have I come
further in eleven months
then the previous five years…

still not quite used to the quiet

even now expecting to hear something
but nothing sounds so much better
all those three word lies told
conditioned to believe
to make me believe
until it was just that
make believe not truth
even loneliness is better than
all that make believe
enough to make you distrust
everyone but don’t
it’s okay if you do
just build on today and
tomorrow will be easier to welcome…

keep pushing

stuck behind a wall

where thoughts cannot be seen
too many times
all that effort for no return
all thoughts previous
only to erase them all again
re-emerging stronger somehow
more myself alone
more myself without
the five year mess I created
thankfully never getting it back
just keep walking until
the wall is far behind…

not another moment

not too many to document

any mental struggle

hiding behind other books

journals with ideas frozen

with the ice words are

coming in slow tonight

like thoughts of spring

buried under two feet of snow

not another night

plenty thoughts come and go

solo again no mind

falling into darkness

know where to go without a light

not another day

negative thoughts fought

from down the road

thirty minutes by foot

done it twice

not another night

missing the warm

never real realization too late

became so cold have to kill

the idea nightly

until gone

not another moment

confused as to what it meant

mistakes cannot be transformed

into the right choice

done it once…

what to do

206/2013 730am

it all matters

because most will continue believing

the lies behind so many stories

no one should be surprised

to learn our interests are last

no one should ignore

the lessons that can be learned

from the past

it’s too easy to ignore and fall asleep

accepting what’s being told as truth

just more lies on top of ten year old lies

on top of twenty year old lies

still being exposed

it all matters

the generations of lies

helping only keep the powerful in power

we are never encouraged to be independent

only to be part of a collective group of thought

our political parties…show me the difference

on foreign policy and the economy

and how can we then expect any real change

especially when more lies are piled on top

of four year old broken campaign promises

it all matters

because those in power count on

a collective ignorance to the effects

of this foreign policy and economy

a collective ignorance to the fact

they are two sides of the same coin

owned by multi-national banks

a collective ignorance to the illusion

that every four to eight years

things might get better

if we make the right choice

what choice…can you remember

it all matters

no one can deny that they do not remember

when the US was not at war  

can we continue to deny the loss of personal freedom

in the name of national security

everyone is a suspect for something

everyone is stuck proving the negative

impossible but fear

has the collective to a point of dependence

someone else (they) will protect us

what is it they are really protecting

it all matters

how many more rights

have to be infringed upon

before the collective turns

and faces its common enemy

what can we do…

enough to burn

ahead of the game

believing in the self

and at the same time

laughing at myself

despite all the imperfection

still striving for a resurrection

dodging all mind infection

playing chess in the mirror

trying to understand that opponent

a little clearer

the stone was too big

no one could ever move it

thought I was someone else

no one could ever prove it

cool breeze blowing a virus

at everything and it passed

without intended destruction

started with that creepy seduction

how many others fell for it too

or someday will guess it’s a warning for you

stay ahead of the game

the alert is cool breeze will burn like a flame

from a torch hot enough to burn it

to the ground without a sound

never thought hate would sneak into the mind

of this new stranger

only thing to keep sanity

balanced somewhere between awful memories

and beautiful smiles both pointless now

and never seen the same

far ahead of the game… 

luckily, left behind

sometimes thoughts getting bounced

back and forth or fifth time around

each corner twisting in the wind

rain or whatever snow when it’s cold

everything freezes like

april fools day twenty twelve

sometimes regrets follow like a shadow

when the sun shines brightest

and at the first and last moment

of each day perfect beauty

and no one could compare

think at a distance eyes poked out blind

sometimes huge parts have

to perish in the process

occasionally been the skin the evil snake shed

and lucky to be left behind…

arrow to the sky

lately thoughts been backed up
been drinking from a cracked cup
spilling it like a slob
but rolling up another bob
no matter what time
or what it says on the sign
arrow to the sky
never wonder why
or what the reason for
much thought and more…

 

standing outside in the cold

amazed as the hair on my arms

stands on end as I stand on the porch

on the end in the cold air long enough

wish I could stand it longer

but I like to be warm

can’t under appreciate the beauty of winter

and how it changes the landscape and the mind

amazed as the sun peaks up over the trees

and even in the winter warms things

just slightly but enough

amazed too that I will pick up a pencil

if a pen is not available

knowing all along I could speak this into

my phone and it would appear

typed before my eyes

am I still a writer then

if I don’t have to write

amazed at technology and the speed

at which things can now be done

but sometimes (most times) I will still

choose to write it all down amazed…

think positive-ever since

eye think it was dad

who put the idea in the mind

to write down experiences

journal random thought style

remembering summer vacation

cabins in white mountains

and chipmunks that weren’t afraid

eye think they are some of the best memories

drawn from a day’s events

while on vacation with a tight family

eye think being able to pull thoughts

out of the mind was born there

somehow in someway

eye think it matters

some people still want to know

what someone else is thinking

eye think taking the time

to put down a thought into words

songs dances expressions of

artistic creations of any kind

is what might help people evolve

and realize something else is possible

and within our reach

eye think positive

and eye know it was mom

who put the idea in the mind

been there ever since…

same skies high

blasted high above
no one sits too close
under same skies
holding only memories close
until they are all forgotten
erased from the darkened mind
not even the slightest thought to rewind
created my own misery
when I fell for the devil’s curse
bad might sit for a minute
it always gets worse
and nothing worse than some
of the things I have been
can I say I learn
and would not repeat
and try to get better
as each day will pass
blasted high above
you don’t have to ask
say what is in your head
who still bites their tongue
everyone spits fire
older one and young
at heart eternal
never going to die
or ever answer why…

no better

103/2013 640pm

wringing out what gets caught

as the day goes on

and on

and back to the beginning

when no one

appreciates the simplicity

we know no better…

the easy way

reaching down deep

thoughts splatter ink

on pages

too many words

don’t want to think

where does your mind lead you

want to be distracted

cannot figure it out

maybe tomorrow

loving how words cut the surface

of pages making them bleed

should I sit with these thoughts

or simply sleep and do nothing

because nothing will happen

when nothing is done

and it must be because

it’s the easy way…

speed up at the top(for the record)

officially dismissed

soon to be back on my feet
at last able to stand
alone without distraction
 
for the record
nothing to slow this roll
speed up at the top
of every mountain reached
topped with ease
anyone in the way
has got to join
the movement or
get out of the way
no other way
 
for the record
no longer going to spend
the time trying to fit into
some mold someone else
created no one interests me
uninspired by liars
happy to tear through thoughts alone
no one makes the rules
never did try to hide
who I am
more of an open book than ever now
take it or leave it at the base of the mountain
on top of which I stand for myself
at last as they laugh and it’s all right
with me as I laugh along too
a sponge that can hold more
than you can even imagine
try it out you have made it clear
knowing who I am
hope that’s just as clear…

still in the mind

wouldn’t know it from

where you sit not knowing

what I think anyway

as I move into another room

no one knows this

or where I finally gather

thoughts before page before screen

still in the mind

all day trying to figure out

what all the emotions means

and how to detach from them all

and be one with the mind

or no mind at all…

necessary re-invention

closed eyes blinding

light to side of the road

pausing to figure out

where am I supposed to be

going always right direction

heading forward stronger than

the day before closed eyes

beginning and ending of every day

every short moment

every page in the book

of our lives who is really writing

it all down and what is the point

some might make it through

without putting thought to page

or post and I can’t imagine the day

when the pen stops moving

and maybe I truly have no control

or maybe I value the importance

of holding the pen

stuck nearly three years in one book

random thoughts never again

and always keep it moving

steadily re-inventing as necessary

when necessary is necessary

now…

let it go let it wander

at the end of another year
tendency is to look back
at the previous twelve months
to reflect on where one has been
what has or has not changed
everyday struggling to not look back
only straight ahead
even if alone drowning in it
better than that land of make believe
wasted too much time
blinded by something I cannot explain
how I was tricked fooled myself
thinking I was loved respected appreciated
none of which was true
probably always a facade
as the last nine proved
luckily I landed alone damaged but
more myself than ever
siddhatha sitting by the river
hearing the mighty om
detached and letting everything just drift
far from the mind forced meditation
self healing and letting go of the hate
it rose within me
letting go of the anger
it keeps me lonely
losing the chess game is never easy
but in losing somehow winning
no longer seems important compared
to what is learned in defeat
everything in life is temporary
nothing very good or very bad
lasts for very long and my tears
no longer sadness overcoming me
merely smoke in my eyes
as I burn through thoughts
and trees smudging out
every hallway and room in my mind
let it go and let it wander...

imperfect again

trying to re-calibrate the compass

of my life got to figure out

which direction is true

and going to lead me to the peaceful

place I am

not frustrated by my failures

only motivated to get it right

next time around perfection

will be imperfect again

still unstoppable and never looking back

if I end up in a similar place

nothing will be the same

changing daily

never resting

mind still spins

while the body rests

ready to go at any moment…

little bit foreign

hard to believe

sitting alone

shed all the weight

everyone known

suddenly strangers

phone stays silent

twelve years since

holiday season alone

seems a bit foreign

a little bit comfortable

too much

hard to believe

no longer depended on

for anything

from anyone…

regret the 5

old mangled tree needs to be taken down

too many branches threaten to hurt

all those around used to sit in the yard

and watch that willow sway

still probably weeps for it’s location

such a rotten field with a sinking house

abandoned  ideas of love

in a place filled with so much hate

cowardly cougar hopelessly hanging on

but the numbers will catch up

and then there is nothing left

worn out well before then

looking back it was crazy

to try to plant positive

in the rotten field of negativity

almost nothing of worth coming

from a five year mistake

no blame that isn’t my own

in the valley now next to the pond

finding myself positive every moment

left my negativity in the mangled trees

where the cougar dwells waiting

for another unsuspecting catcher of the eye…

never was

standing on the edge

of somewhere I do not know

who you are you hide

and it’s ok just know you have

something to say

wish I knew it when it was then

wasted so much time

left everything I had

for a mistake and a really

bad decision deceived

for five years

and abandoned at the end

made to feel as though

a criminal was born

and I am not never was

but somehow I look

like the fool for believing

any love was real…

much decay

much been revealed

in the months I have been gone

look into these eyes

before they are far gone

what are they on out on

the front lawn just a pawn

much been uncovered

in eight long months

misjudged and then judged

for someone else’s stunts

struck by lightening

in the same spot more than once

much makes me feel

as though I got played

day after day I tried harder

and stayed

knew all along the love

had decayed…

ghost of something strange

look to the sky

where the answers might lie

high above the struggle

trying to reach the sky

when I get there

most likely be alone

show me that face

pound it out with stone

hope to haunt as

the ghost of something great

always the one to wait

should have showed up late

can’t believe what is

learned since then

makes anger seethe

all over again

but my songs on

and it won’t take long

to remember all these

thoughts were not wrong

especially proving I will

always be me

craziest thought that it took

a cage to get free…

mind melts

the games has changed

but I am still all in

don’t know where I am

but I know where I have been

thinking and dreaming

being somewhere else

heating up the mind

until it melts

into something

changed and new

suddenly clarity

came into view

probably here all along

been ignored a lot

some people have

no idea what they are not

important too important

to meet

rather take a ride with

Mr. M.T. Seat

won’t waste another minute

of ink

on someone who

just can’t even think

outside the box

someone else creates with rules

and I won’t necessarily follow

just because they are someone’s rules

games different or I am playing

it better now

some days in the head

easier to forget it all now

so many thoughts

need to be forgotten

some don’t have the time

others are just rotten

in the middle of

everything they want to be

living their pretty little lives

never going to be happy…

ended

spiral eyes

smoke thick

breath still strong

like sunrise

on the darkest

morning

the nightmare has ended…