to paranoia

pain in my gut
tells me to watch my back
never turned
from happiness
to paranoia…

thieves are around
the corner I watch
waiting to see
so many smiles
only from a distance
never when I am close 

enough to see eyes
always watch those around
the corner in turn
writing to paranoia…

keep your friends close
your enemies closer
who is who
how can I distinguish
good from bad and right from wrong
to accuse but it is better
to be double-crossed
by agents of disaster

speaking no elevated tongue
to paranoia…

walls are pushing on
all sides can’t hide
my thoughts alone
deserving no better
ungrateful because
of my other self
un-trusting because of the
beaten road I left behind
a trail of corpse-like memories
and they still look alive
kill them again
a warning to paranoia…

can go for years and you can’t
go for weeks without desire
crushed can’t move again
sounding as if I have a problem
starts to brew
a storm from deep inside
the furnace I’ll wait
by the brook realizing
I would be better off dead or alone
then I would never get to the point
of no return the borrowed books
lines on the fence counted twice
hitting the wall and it isn’t soft
pillow beneath my head
in the box it better burn
only way to extinguish paranoia…

before they bleed

only one on that lonely highway

and fog crosses my eyes,

one too many cars at the house

and I won’t stop, can’t stand

the smell coming from the backyard

and too bad tired eyes had to sleep

for me, but still awake and of course I

can’t be what I am, but

wounds have scarred

still know they are there

how blind I once was

now I find cuts before they bleed…

against the wall

623/1998

tear my skin
won’t stretch this far
is too far all ready
for a war within
my mind
has exploded so much
of nothing
makes sense
scattered on the
bloody carpet
rolled out of the way
you think is how
I react
based upon
nothing important
picture I find
and burn
crash and burn
light up and burn
my determination
into skin so smooth
rock I found
on the beach I
sun my anger
will never smile
at my anger gone
down to hell and back
against the wall
killing them all
watch as I spin
cycle wash my mind
and hands of any
guilt I feel none
of it is all a part
of the plan
my escape well
is deep and I will escape
better chop me up or I will
come back
against the wall
killing them all
watch as I spin
dry off the sunken
manuscript, a sea
so deep I might drown,
but will not die
find me hiding in the boxcar
headed south,
but you’ll never
find me until
I come back
against the wall
comes crashing
down with the masses,
see my eyes and know who
I have become…

nothing concluded 97

on the hard

cement I sit

realizing today

the truth in

“all life is suffering”

to myself

over and over

six syllables

to get me through today

om mani padme hum

those around

won’t hear

my voice

even at the top

of my lungs

on the hard cement

I dream of tomorrow

and tear up

mental pictures of

yesterday, unnecessary

closing my eyes

to the world

around me now

om mani padme hum

nothing concluded

i escaped

622/1998

what to do
you understand
beside me, hold my hand
over the thought
I would be dead
end road, I can’t stop
the madness, happy eyes
drawn in sand
storm swirling
thoughts bring me the same
conclusion that nothing’s ever concluded
with a prayer, no one here
to stop the pain
pushes itself into me
and mine will be far
from here by the time
you get to know me I
will have changed
into something new
more appropriate
for the events that will transpire,
expired parking meter
and a twenty dollar
ticket for the show I missed
the boat was sinking
anyway so I am glad I
escaped…

observations

hard to fit

into a long drawn out day

of work watching as people dodge

raindrops getting wet just the same

as the cars they arrived in

not far from my home

but far enough away

everyone here is a stranger

so many pass and so many more on the way

can only concentrate on what’s here right now

rain, work and thoughts that help me

pass the time with a smile

all the while observing that which goes on all around me

some run they hate rain

some walk not bothered by the soaking drops

and some still children mostly enjoy the skies tears

and rejoice jumping in puddles…