let it go let it wander

at the end of another year
tendency is to look back
at the previous twelve months
to reflect on where one has been
what has or has not changed
everyday struggling to not look back
only straight ahead
even if alone drowning in it
better than that land of make believe
wasted too much time
blinded by something I cannot explain
how I was tricked fooled myself
thinking I was loved respected appreciated
none of which was true
probably always a facade
as the last nine proved
luckily I landed alone damaged but
more myself than ever
siddhatha sitting by the river
hearing the mighty om
detached and letting everything just drift
far from the mind forced meditation
self healing and letting go of the hate
it rose within me
letting go of the anger
it keeps me lonely
losing the chess game is never easy
but in losing somehow winning
no longer seems important compared
to what is learned in defeat
everything in life is temporary
nothing very good or very bad
lasts for very long and my tears
no longer sadness overcoming me
merely smoke in my eyes
as I burn through thoughts
and trees smudging out
every hallway and room in my mind
let it go and let it wander...

imperfect again

trying to re-calibrate the compass

of my life got to figure out

which direction is true

and going to lead me to the peaceful

place I am

not frustrated by my failures

only motivated to get it right

next time around perfection

will be imperfect again

still unstoppable and never looking back

if I end up in a similar place

nothing will be the same

changing daily

never resting

mind still spins

while the body rests

ready to go at any moment…

little bit foreign

hard to believe

sitting alone

shed all the weight

everyone known

suddenly strangers

phone stays silent

twelve years since

holiday season alone

seems a bit foreign

a little bit comfortable

too much

hard to believe

no longer depended on

for anything

from anyone…

regret the 5

old mangled tree needs to be taken down

too many branches threaten to hurt

all those around used to sit in the yard

and watch that willow sway

still probably weeps for it’s location

such a rotten field with a sinking house

abandoned  ideas of love

in a place filled with so much hate

cowardly cougar hopelessly hanging on

but the numbers will catch up

and then there is nothing left

worn out well before then

looking back it was crazy

to try to plant positive

in the rotten field of negativity

almost nothing of worth coming

from a five year mistake

no blame that isn’t my own

in the valley now next to the pond

finding myself positive every moment

left my negativity in the mangled trees

where the cougar dwells waiting

for another unsuspecting catcher of the eye…

never was

standing on the edge

of somewhere I do not know

who you are you hide

and it’s ok just know you have

something to say

wish I knew it when it was then

wasted so much time

left everything I had

for a mistake and a really

bad decision deceived

for five years

and abandoned at the end

made to feel as though

a criminal was born

and I am not never was

but somehow I look

like the fool for believing

any love was real…

much decay

much been revealed

in the months I have been gone

look into these eyes

before they are far gone

what are they on out on

the front lawn just a pawn

much been uncovered

in eight long months

misjudged and then judged

for someone else’s stunts

struck by lightening

in the same spot more than once

much makes me feel

as though I got played

day after day I tried harder

and stayed

knew all along the love

had decayed…

ghost of something strange

look to the sky

where the answers might lie

high above the struggle

trying to reach the sky

when I get there

most likely be alone

show me that face

pound it out with stone

hope to haunt as

the ghost of something great

always the one to wait

should have showed up late

can’t believe what is

learned since then

makes anger seethe

all over again

but my songs on

and it won’t take long

to remember all these

thoughts were not wrong

especially proving I will

always be me

craziest thought that it took

a cage to get free…

mind melts

the games has changed

but I am still all in

don’t know where I am

but I know where I have been

thinking and dreaming

being somewhere else

heating up the mind

until it melts

into something

changed and new

suddenly clarity

came into view

probably here all along

been ignored a lot

some people have

no idea what they are not

important too important

to meet

rather take a ride with

Mr. M.T. Seat

won’t waste another minute

of ink

on someone who

just can’t even think

outside the box

someone else creates with rules

and I won’t necessarily follow

just because they are someone’s rules

games different or I am playing

it better now

some days in the head

easier to forget it all now

so many thoughts

need to be forgotten

some don’t have the time

others are just rotten

in the middle of

everything they want to be

living their pretty little lives

never going to be happy…

ended

spiral eyes

smoke thick

breath still strong

like sunrise

on the darkest

morning

the nightmare has ended…