Sunday, May 28, 2006

meditations: 43 days (hang on JD)


short time now six weeks
one and a half months
how dare I act so selfishly
to wonder where the day went
too quick
spin the pen
breathe in breathe out
realizing both feet are now asleep
beneath me spin the pen still
where will we all end up
as the eleven train pulls in
on time
short time since
eyes laid on the brother
from another mother
still bond is tight
like dreadlocks wore
heavy in the summer
that was then
meditating on when we wondered
what today would look like
when we were younger
much older than that now
later on meditation will turn into
a mindfully restful sleep
then like a clock the birds tune
will be back by the window
frozen in time
and trapped for eleven days
without peaceful rest
everyday now heading uphill
meditation now on the struggle
spin the pen
sit back down and rest head
on the back of left hand
keep it from lighting the fire
of a bad habit one that needs
to be dropped like the jaw to the surprise
hearing of such misfortune
frozen in time
shocked as the fan spins above
and the pen in hand
trying hard to imagine
and remove the pain
for one day at least
six weeks is entirely too short
not enough time
to learn what's to be done next
not even enough time to say
it is frozen in time
meditation on the troubles endured
without another thought
spin the pen...

Just Don't Ask

you don’t want to know
how could you
and the choices staring
blank-eyed and hollow
like the tree that died in the front yard
just don’t ask
how long have you been there
eleven days sure as shit
ain’t no vacation
unless to hell and back
every day to the reality
that is the insanity that took over
eleven days ago
as if a black cloud hung
waiting for 415
just don’t ask
and you won’t be saddened
by the answer you would get
at this moment
frozen in time
trapped in the children’s ward
everything keeps moving without
a thought but the morning
began in the chapel
looking for truth within
where else would it be at this moment
just don’t ask
how he is doing
how would you be doing
forty three days
of existence
how fair is this for anyone
involved everyone involved
just don’t ask
how they will pull through
it all and what I wonder
how and where does he get the strength…

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

bird outside the cat's window


all night if I could
get through the day
tomorrow with no sleep
less likely as eyes
start to gain some
wait until tomorrow
to make sense
of the smokeless room
and the lungs
supposedly start
to repair themselves
right away

all night long
black pen with refills
available on the table
next to two candles
now extinguished
with care to avoid
the JC tragedy
the eleven train
reminds him of those days
sitting with Belmont Blue
hours pass without
exchanging words

all night long
the pain in the left wrist
won’t soon stop
like the bird singing
outside the cat’s window
as if it knows
the cat is trapped
behind the screen

all night long
with the silent sounds
and over street songs
sent downward
from whatever type of bird
remains awake this late
reflection in the mirror-like
tip of the pen
says I could go at this
all night long…

a new kind of patience


it’s a different kind
of patience necessary
to beat back
all the thoughts
smoke it fourteen days
ago was my last
death of the American Spirit

or so I said it
finally and meant it
they say eventually
everything will taste better
everything will be better
seeing myself in the reflection
on the side of my pen
and that’s all I need to see
at this moment
knowing that someday
all of this might will
itself to pay off

left hand sits limp
as if there is nothing left
in the tank
but tomorrow is payday
always been middle of the week
new patience takes some
getting used to
detaching myself
from the deadly smoke
a little more every day…

ton of books


two flames on the table
before him and the place he drops
his thoughts down like a ton of bricks
books rather
how many thoughts until he runs out
he has already spun dizzy enough to be
invisible on a pedestal
in the middle of nowhere

one flame stands still
and the other jumps from the wick
with the sound of a helicopter above
somewhere to be really fast no messing around
the dog barks as if it will attack
anyone who enters
understandable it's his heritage
maybe he is mistaken in thought
the candles are there as symbols of power
beyond his control putting down the sticks
as he was told they would be his death
to late it may be almost June
the back porch at night makes his nose cold
as if it were March

the two flames suddenly join in jumping
and somehow coordinate with the sound
of a jumbo jet and three birds singing
above clouds and a colorful sky
from the sun setting on the horizon
as if it would set somewhere else
the pen skips and spins in his fingers
as if he has a deadline and it's been almost ten years
since his last assignment he knows he should go back
even if only to see what it is he might be missing
but it's only a bridge and he heard that they
tore it down to build a tunnel...


not quite blue

partial blue sky
for most of
the daytime hours
starting to drag
like heavy feet
not sure from which
side the
noise is coming from
cannot see anyone
anywhere
basement spot
blank gray
silver and black om…

Sunday, May 21, 2006

let it all drift


rest calls
late night from sister
fighting off the fear again
being alone more
powerful than she knows
but she knows as
she has been here before
the lonely road
funny how it becomes
crowded at times
didn't mean to raise the voice
sound too loud
how the guru teaches
humble oneself
let everything drift away
more yourself in solitude
found like pennies in the well
even the water comes down in buckets
how do they say
reach for the day...

thought Jackson

the train rolls into town
that's how I know the time
prayers for Jackson
all night in the rain
the days when
his father lived here
which one how many
until now roll of dice
howl of the wind
positive or negative silence
thought Jackson
all night in the rain
well after it stops
another phrase I won't use here
the train headed north bound
can't wait to get home
wherever that may be
strange as night
lasts longer than usual
deeper breaths
more confusing swirling
like soap down the drain
thoughts on Jackson
all night in the rain
never met hope to soon
strong Jackson
pull through will to live
so young life
and the chessboard
becoming one
what's the next move
forward until ultimate strength
attained thoughts on Jackson
possibly not for this world
not this time prayers
meditations and salutations
every day deliver the strength
poor Jackson pull through...

across then down


a bit harder to push the pen
across then down the page
rain down the glass
light dark and light again
as if it can't make up it's mind
literally speaking in circles
until dizzy and tired curls up
for a nap left leg already there

more of a challenge to avoid the blue pack
and somehow it's easier than planned
an uphill battle with no traction to climb
reading Angela's Ashes everyday someone
trying to live the drunken lifestyle
more of a challenge to spit and take over sober
much easier on everyone around
even the lot of us
who couldn't care any less
amazed by drunken stupidity
even if only in stories and people
never known and there is a reason
for that someone to remain anonymous
until he loses everything
we will laugh
but it's mostly sad to see
someone destroy themselves...

add a light to the equation

down the stairs
in the basement
colder than the rest of the house
even approaching June
darkness starts to turn down
today’s light
shining from behind the clouds
deck of cards spread on the table
queen of hearts peeking
from behind greens prepared
before dinner or after
he will soon need to add a light
to the equation
unfortunately spring will be late
once summer gets here
surely a trip to the beach
is well over due
months since last touched
sand with feet
and rocks collected for the island
in the moss of the backyard
why will the sunshine
not stay all day
down below the rest
a little cooler for the om
cement seated meditation
new spot required
change everything and
start new…

Thursday, May 18, 2006

follow every sound


sitting in silence only the breath
and two open windows
trying to follow every sound
as if blind every sound indeed
has it's story distracted
by distant phone rings
around silver Saturn sitting
waiting for tomorrow
and it's already here
every noise as if it could tell no lie
in silence with no goal but to win
has always been an objective
battle everyday on the sound
of one chirping night bird
high above everything
might also want to follow every sound
to the source wherever it might be
back tomorrow same place at midnight
song high above it all
would most likely make a great hunter
and amazing that one lonely late night
bird follows every sound
still sitting in silence...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

nearly underground

they say it will get easier
as we pass eight
another cement wall
om meditation
flat back on the floor
nearly underground
actually below the ground level
the street extends
and voices will be heard
all night long exhale
inhaling the smoke
from where I sit
voices could be in the backyard
sounds so close
again at the beginning
of something ending
simultaneous
and nerve racking
patiently stressed
intended to stretch
flat back on the floor
even on cement
still meditation…

Saturday, May 6, 2006

cement wall meditation

cement wall meditation
strain in the right leg
upside down makes
it all a little different
breathing in and out
relaxing like it’s the seventh day
cement wall meditation
and anything is possible
maybe it’s magic
would anyone know
it’s all a little different
lost in perception
or translation
never knowing what is said
back to former moments
never lost
cement wall meditation
battle nightly
the prison the mind
can become
and does who can escape
through the wall
no pain no thought
no thing
day seven picking up the pen
at last standing and sitting
fracturing every thought
beyond repair
unrecognizable to some
only hope is to
forgive and rebuild
all thought lost
found seventh day
cement wall meditation
midnight on the mind
my brother…

Tuesday, May 2, 2006

nothing concluded 166

waited ten hours
finally something rose
to the surface
must’ve been
all today’s rain

rewriting things
nine years old
same title
what is the purpose
nothing concluded

desperately seeking
truth as if it’s
the next breath
and he’s been
underwater too long

the sirens will go
on all night long
if he was to stay
up and listen
he won’t

he need to breathe
more cleansing air
and it won’t be easy
everything must
change

eventually it’s nature’s
way the world changes
beneath him as he
sits in his wet clothes
nothing concluded

it’s impossible
to sit idle
while stagnant words
waiting for edit night
two hour red pen session

rewriting becomes
too strong description
merely adjusting
the view he thought
he had back then

for now
he know it’s
getting late
the neighborhood
house lights going dark

is there anyone else
who thinks
this much
and puts this much thought
down nightly

(if he can)
he will succeed
and plead his case
after midnight
if necessary…

and the book

 
only been here four years
and I am no landscaping professional
somehow I have been able to change
the way things look a little
I could use a new fence but the one I have
has lasted so long it is a shame to disregard
such a landmark trimming branches
and removing dead wood this has allowed
the choked out trees room to breathe
some of the nightly noises are hard not to notice
and identify with quickness some mysterious midnight melody
constructed by mixed by arranged by mother nature
or weather what's the label you choose tonight
when midnight murmurs mysterious noises continue
until I close the door and the book...

Monday, May 1, 2006

wind rattles glass

putting my head down on my porch table
as if it were a desk in some boring classroom
back up to the sounds of the night all around
wind rattles the glass on the thirty year old porch
it might take me that long to get my head on straight again
if in fact it was ever on at all
maybe it became dislodged and I didn't notice
putting my head down wondering when it will all make sense
and the enormous wind will die down a bit
will I be able to find the story of tonight
despite the wind and the rain threatening
will it come before sleep tonight...