nothing concluded 85

falling from far

above nothing

to stop the fall

concluded by

the ground below

up so high

cannot see that which

eye may have missed

falling fast seeing

what never hit eye

seemingly secure

in whatever comes this way

never as comfortable

even in free fall

forward at least

prepared to fall

as hard

if not harder than before

strong arm raised

steady in the air…

nothing concluded 84

rewind then

stop for a moment

lasting too long

this time around

and on again

don’t’ know why

bothered and some will

never quite understand

can’t explain and no one

really cares anyway

climbing up the rope

pass someone who says there

is no top

the bottom is still

close pull harder

drowning in a glass

of water

tapping at the side

until it breaks

and releases these thoughts

blank (ask me again)

blank
page fourteen
thinking
another may know me
well enough
blank
mind cannot
think hard enough
soft as I fall
from where went down
too far
blank
empty
mind
blank
white or non-white
simple
sorry I asked
don't answer
blank again
why wait
ask me
no
don't
all right
ask me again
may not know
blank
who are these people
why so quiet
blank
simple
done
blank again. . .

nothing concluded 83

many times

stopped wait wondering

what is it we must do

in order to get by

maybe write a song

everyone coming

back from

where they have been

and getting ready to

go wherever they go next

pushing the toes off

the ledge where standing

was what eye wondered looking

down how many stories

nothing concluded

some even whisper

while in the same room

doesn’t matter what’s being said

only that others can’t hear it

how rude

slow day

working backwards

from the beginning

when will we all

walk together

some people act as if

every stranger is going

to rob them and that

must feel strange

to the stranger

soon the sun will set

and the day will be done

too fast today

need to reprogram and slow

down that fast

sun smiling onto

this Fro—Zen ground

and still the toes

back from the ledge

but cold

everyone will be converging

on this spot soon

won’t matter much

never has

nothing concluded…

paper snowflake

looking through the yellow window

don't have answers

or even know question

out into the cold

sun burns down pounding

a silent dream beat

wandering soul finding a match

lit the darkened room

once green across out another window

two pieces of tape hold

the paper snowflake in place

see it from here but empty or full

does it really matter

that much not sure

voice muffled thinking someone

must know not here not now

wrapping pictures

who's present or past

and what does the future hold...

Thursday noon

so close to the edge

hoping not to fall
rise up above
but feeling so small
the thoughts that rage
and notion that I'll never fit
into the puzzle of life
but I won't quit
escaping necessary
in order to find peace
cross legged on the floor
and the rage will soon cease
expose all my wounds
despair
and all of the thoughts
leading me to not care
about myself
in the least bit
haunted by that feeling
might never fit
and it's a feeling
won't soon get
it's like swimming
without getting wet
bet all your money
or better yet mine
something will assist
wait for the sign
to tell the tale
still really not sure
and when we stop caring
we will be here no more
no more of this
and way too much of that
remember five years
right there where I sat
seeming so long
flying so fast
positively feeling
as if the time would last
not long enough
cannot sit still
feet still planted
on the window sill
with all of the plants
growing strong
like the will to go on
but will it last long
as the hair grows
out of my head
worry not much
just thinking instead
upon departing
what do they say
never felt wanted
they want me to stay
and not move
the spot found
no one is here
upon turning around
in my sleep
never quite reaching a dream
and this reality is
exactly what it seems
so simple when
put into words
different somehow from
those I once heard
the news but
know not what it said
everything living will
someday be dead
this doesn't sadden
but a far look ahead
some kind of goal reached
when we are dead
still unsure
and may have it all wrong
sorry to disappoint
held captive too long. . .

the pen won't rest

1210/1997

and the pen does not

stop me if I go too far

from my point me

in the right direction

if followed by clouds and rain

the skies tears

on pale cheeks and skin

turning red when touched

by the thought I would

know by now

and again I see the writing

on the floor cracks under

too many feet

rising to the occasion

then falling to the floor again. . .stop to think I may be moving

slowly at times down

to the end of the road

where this race ends

and another soon to

begin and away from

but close enough too

much more to come

back tomorrow

always twenty-four hours away

behind lie the days we cannot

return to that day

speaking loud and clear. . .

the hat doesn't fit

down to the depths

ears pop
windows smash
out of a mind
spinning with no end
the dizzy spell
the world
just like it sounds
as if it can't be seen
clear enough
of what's needed
not much to get by
my side by side
with him
again repeating
what's been said
this was important

now and then
sitting alone
not so content
with a mind
feeling empty
cup of coffee
keeping him sleepy
sounds silent
screaming so loud
pound the thought
that won't die
in footsteps
in front not behind
the man alive
and breathing heavy weighing down
from above or below
toes take root
in the soft earth

brought to that spot
you in the crowd
millions of strangers
nothing is stranger
than eye
thinking too much
of the same song stuck
in a head
won't float away
from where he thought
he knew what it all meant
to tell you
will be missed
don't hear words
when eye
stand alone

it's now
from now on
the other side
with stronger forces
a mind to scramble
to its feet exposed
under the sky blanket
and all is falling
tremendous height
now sinking
in the seat
under the hat
that doesn't fit. . .

fear the day

today is the day
after yesterday
he told me things
will change
and what was it that the thunder said?
‘Da Da Da!'
how could anyone take him serious
this day has arrived
what can we say
still frozen with the chill of last night
the stars shine as bright
eyes of the night
a night that would not end
today came and ruined the equation
proving it false
again hearing
‘Da-Eliot closed his heart'
‘Da-he closed his mind'
‘Da-what a disappointment'
to each his own
admit that it saddens
to move from the river bank
and forget all he said
out of fear. . .

nothing concluded 82

mr. excitement is returning

the mind at the moment

is empty

no thought

what to do

and suddenly thrown into

one of those days

that feels as though

it will never

end

the storm is on the way

and alone waiting

for something to happen

something that will make him

feel real again…

Bolio Revisited

how many times do I have to show you my mind so  

you know I don’t know and how many          

times do I have to say skies should be blue I

see gray sky today dark of the night, but the moon    

and saturn quite a sight to behold, soon it      

will hide I take it all in keep my eyes wide

as the window open and I am out of my mind I        

hear someone shouts that they know who it  

is or where I have been to the highland, but

I know the low stagnation sets in and I feel I

should go to a place but I know not

where do they come from they sit and

stare for too long don’t know what they see for

I sit alone, no one but my pen and I

my thoughts and my book just thoughts

that I write boring—no hook so just turn away

but I wish that I knew what it could be

that keeps their eyes glued in my

direction wish they would stop the silence is

deafening I hear my eyes pop and what

does this mean along with the rain

burning and falling on me with great pain from

the inside I need a release finding a spot

inside me filled with peace of the puzzle

enigma of sorts this peaceful place that

my speech distorts… 

in the dark again

and I wander out into a field of thought I knew        

where I was going to try to make a point       

where I can go no further than ever before I

start to go astray cat runs out from under the porch  

and I don’t know whose it is not one I

recognize my own weaknesses and this is a

plus and when adding it all up I may make a

mistake or two many thoughts in my head

to compute the sum total of whatever I am

trying to say that this is what my mind does at times

I am spinning sideways and the highways      

are my ways seem to be different each time I

go I stop and think I know where I will end up or

down but what is the difference is that I am

trying to get to where I am right now and

then I am confused by my own thought I saw my      

self in one thought I saw myself in one         

light but I end up breaking the bulb and

no I am in the dark again the spin has started and     

down I go into the abyss that is my mind       

mælström making me dizzy but I will pull

through the dark I created I see that which no light

could show me the door slammed shut on a   

sideways glance around and see something I

have failed to notice in the past the calm spot ten

minutes ago I thought this was going some    

where it has never reached so high, but still

can’t touch the sky appears to fall, but slams me       

back into my seat has become quite

uncomfortable…

sunlight through clear glass

1106/1997

and the days pass like the sun light through clear glass

night hours dragging on with the weight of four thousand days

and I was

eleven now some eight thousand days pass

and where am I what I always hope to be or

not exactly what I thought I knew then what I know now

it all makes sense but I still won’t stop to get caught in a

stare at the clock and I still can’t see where

hands are getting colder

as we move closer to complete darkness at ninety degrees

north, not as far up the sphere so not worried about the sun

never rising or falling it’s all the same few keep ringing my mind

out like a wet towel and it won’t come dry

leaves crackle under the stampede

on a leg of the table

quite uneven

if I can’t get there until tomorrow I will make it

if I try to make anyone see my point

that I know what it takes to solve all the world’s problems

om mani padme hum a little song with so much power

invoke the most high avaloketishvara

supreme compassion and still living today I smile at

all who pass a stone with writing on the bottom of a page

numbered forty nine down and one to go

one hundred days ago wouldn’t have guessed I would be here

today and in that time from now don’t know

where I will be silent

sakyamuni is my close friend

understand my words don’t mean much to anyone

ask me and I will assure you

definitely an escape from emotion

not much of an expression, but an escape from personality...

the outcome

for a minute, questioning everything

falls out from beneath feet

hurt as the hot coals burn

the souls that have not been

properly prepared for what is next

and I know I have nothing

to stand on yet nothing

to hope for yet

take some advice from far away

at night enjoy the day for

what it brought

and if it ends in tears

it wasn’t meant to be

besides I have seen worse storms

and taking this advice

there are still days

when I do not want to open my eyes

so is there a solution

something to smile at each day

why would I let this get me down

when it’s all said and done I want

to say I was pleased with the outcome. . .

completely gray

before it turns completely gray

giving thanks for breath and for this day

cancel all thoughts set to bring it all down

into the summer hallway escape the frown

memory lost what’s done is done

sweating it out until the day is gone

only thoughts of the here and now

and it might get harder still make it somehow

once the sun shines and fine tunes this

feel the warm breeze and the sun kiss

and the energy poured out

ringing and endless shout

rising higher to a new height

no longer deny the burning fight

directly rising with the sun

not sure though when I think I won

or lost or passed or failed

onto all this new thought mind impaled

it’s only what I know of what is new

can’t even understand how I pulled through

the thick clouds above down to the thin

air below creeping slowly blood under skin

burning tears

washed out fears…

nothing concluded 81

keeping so much in mind

or on it depending

on how you view

the painting with

long strokes

short strokes

and the path

found by few

look at it

and wonder

where has everyone gone

now not that they are missed

but they used to be here

and now they are not

different…nothing concluded…

voice heard

heard the voice

can’t see where it comes from

try to express my dismay

voice says its caring

desire to believe words

something warns

that there is an agenda

everyone’s got them

maybe beyond comprehension

it’s right here

all that is heard…

what could it be

the bare strands stand wiry

thought it through

wondering where it will lead

consciously forming ideas

what is being searched for

what is the necessity

might not be enough time left

or one might think

what would I know as I silently sink

deeper down

the circles soon pass

with all of the cold

winter dying grass

below the feet

where I walk

words and ideas distorted

when I talk

close the mouth

no one in sight

heading south

darkness of this night

cannot think of all these things

don’t know what the darkness brings

from far away and up on high

why can’t I stay in that clearest sky

so blue then night time black

the killer bees will come and attack

those crazy veins where warmth flows

only three inches but dread the snows

might not be deep these words still see

a truthful meaning what could it be…

change things

so bright

on these pages

do not understand

what it is I do

to them I am someone

wasting time trying to change

something accepted by most

of them never heard of him his

love his compassion his peaceful progress

no matter how

little it may be that our culture is one

deeply rooted in ignorance and complacency

upset myself with my own ignorance and

complacency so much that sleep avoids me

at night

in my dreams

think I can make a difference

it will take more than just that

to make the difference that will

change things…

crash on the highway

always worrying about knowing this or that and

now realizing that I should not concern

myself with this so much time has passed

and seeing no one cross my eyes and search for the third

eye vision blurred by the smoke that

rises and falls with my breath like my

stomach making noise because it is empty trash can the

wind blows out into the street crushed by

a large truck arriving with a delivery that

I must receive with a smile I try to greet each day ends in

darkness and begins with darkness is the source of

so many dreams—call them delusions if you must go—

go now because no one wants to be held anywhere

against their will what is the baby trying to say

as it screams and points to a picture on the wall

we think it’s so cute, but what is it trying to say

he has seen it before this life began

with an accident causing a crash on the highway…

nothing concluded 80

thought I knew

knowing eventually I would

start thinking again

who is in charge of the mind

and is it made up

many different things

and understanding

may not come soon

and maybe darkness will come first

maybe everything has changed

why do all the smiles

sound so sad

and who or what brought

everyone down to the level

below the low

on a star wishing the cold

might depart

for some reason

early dark cold nights bring sadness

nothing concluded…

man in the crowd

watch him disappear into the crowd
the wood?
who fell the tree
like a crazy lumber jack when the wind
blowing in the wrong direction
the wind?
a pine needle carpet at his feet
the dead woodpecker never
got to finish
interior decorating
a dead hand raised
couldn’t hold it long enough
no right to be here anymore
never elbow smashing
too important to the day
put this away like summer clothes
on the first day of fall
who fell?
everything and nothing
becoming opposite ends of the same rope
pull back go home
sit in the stew
with all the veteran carrots and celery
he is the lone potato
heavy metal dull blade
initiates his neck
something awful
just ahead now
the man in the crowd
trying to follow his speed
lost in the ocean of others. . .

left me sitting

jail house rockin’

chair king or queen

of hearts turns up

more evidence as I sift

through the mind sand

to find a thought or two

more eyes

could not see the confusion

makes me sick

to think I can escape

route carefully planned

on writing a letter

explaining my current situation

is described with one word

is too hard to find under all

of these clouds

form a ladder and I will climb up through the sky

opens its eyes and stares

leading to nowhere special

delivery, a package arrives

without warning

me about the outcome

closer and I might tell a tale of trees

bending in the wind

blow, no idea

what I am doing

what I can to reach tomorrow

comes and things are no different

thoughts all the same

idea I knew, I knew, but I don’t

know why when I may be right

I am wrong or left

me sitting here alone…

I am nothing without me

have you met the man I know not what you see

when you look into his eyes blur at the sight

of your sadness coming from your heart I

try to offer some comforting words I know they are

not needed you have all you need without me

I am nothing without me so as he

enters or rings the phone is placed back where it belongs

after a very short and uninteresting conversation

he hates speaking over the

wires where small animals run without the fear of

falling here I am standing both feet on the

ground and I am scared and I am sure you

have some degree of fear as well for other reasons

you will not leave the dwelling for you

found all you need there without me I am

nothing without me this man about whom I speak

freely swinging from day to day waiting to

go to see what no one alive sees he cares

not that no one sees him, you don’t see him either

you will argue with me on this point but I

know no one sees him constant storm in his

mind constant web he can view all and though you

know his name you know not his goal I feel

bad not for me but for him because I don’t

matter he does to me anyway like I was saying

all I tried to offer was some compassion and I           

ask nothing expect nothing but I know

you have all you need without me

I am nothing without me…

nothing concluded 79

it’s harder at times

to recognize the difference

between right and wrong

pushed to the limits

of what is accepted

there is much to know

as the night wears on

there is a pain in the head

sounds amplified

eyes squint

sipping a drink

and dragging at my addiction

lying behind me

maybe someday losing

it somewhere

under the fallen leaves

of yesterday there is a thought

I buried there fooled again

by the true cloud break up

to reveal the sun is shining

the mind only described

today as a mælström of thought

circling upward and out

with nowhere to go

again too fast

exploding onto these pages

nothing gained

but also nothing lost as well

the night wears on

nothing concluded…

seasons change

as the seasons change we are reminded of the

impermanence of all things this can’t make

the adjustment any easier falling leaves and

the beautiful colors the chill in the night air

the breath taking breeze in the early morning

feeling as though the sun may have

forgotten us today no matter how prepared we are

for the change it still shocks us as we greet

the day and many times done almost routine

though each day is completely different

never knowing what it may bring

each new day plagued with the thoughts

of the one before remembering something

we forgot to do someone we forgot to say hello to

I don’t understand the change of seasons

it is accepted in my mind as one of the many circles

that won’t stop winter will come the days

getting shorter and then it will go all the

way around spring summer and back to where I

am today thinking of you today on a day

when loss may be swimming laps in your

mind and heart think of what they have gained

I have no knowledge of heaven or hell

all I know is that they are a step

beyond you or I they are on a new journey

a new quest we cannot know what it is

where it is

all we can do is wish them luck and hope

that they can give you some sort of sign that you

will be where they are someday

death is like the seasons changing

we know it is happening as we speak

and as we get closer we must feel its presence

very little can be done in preparation

acceptance is all that necessary

this won’t make the emptiness go away

the spot you held so dear for that one you

loved who passed on to the next road

that road we know nothing about

nothing is permanent

you or I this tree a house the season

everything is constantly changing

dying and being reborn rebirth is reality

we see it in the seasons we see it in nature

we are a part of that nature

many thoughts for you and you alone today

in your sadness I hope you

find many days of happiness

with this loss I hope you find many things

that can be will be gained

not our choice made to inhabit these shells for awhile

there is so much to know

we are not our bodies do not think of your end

his end and now her end as an end

more of a beginning to things we will never

know until we are there…

extreme

so this might be the extreme

sometimes getting to the point

might not have anything to say

go on anyway push forward

so much on the mind

all at once and nothing more than ever

the pen can’t bend an ear

or two who hears the extreme

it brings me here

to this peaceful place…

uneasy does it

thought for a moment I knew who I was

I was wrong answer the question hasn’t been

asked me for a quarter only have two dimes

and that won’t even make a phone call these days

won’t end with the sun disappearing as if it

knows something we don’t ask too much

and so details are lost before the answer is given or

taken too much of something making me

feel uneasy does it make sense to you?…

saw a razor on the floor

shines it has just been washed and I guess

that’s why I slipped and fell from my stand

position I wouldn’t ordinarily give up

or down the scale can’t hold all

the heavy people come and go away

from     the edge of the cliff crumbles under foot

before a decision is made me feel a little uneasy

does it make sense to you?…

my left eye is   watering

the nice lawn in the front yard two teenagers

throw a football and it hits me

that I am no longer young

cannot find the time to sit

and think never mind anyway

the front lawn was mowed two months ago

who cares as the weeds fill in the spots

I see before my eyes can’t tell me

what I do not know why

but I feel real uneasy

does it even make sense to you?…