let it go let it wander

at the end of another year
tendency is to look back
at the previous twelve months
to reflect on where one has been
what has or has not changed
everyday struggling to not look back
only straight ahead
even if alone drowning in it
better than that land of make believe
wasted too much time
blinded by something I cannot explain
how I was tricked fooled myself
thinking I was loved respected appreciated
none of which was true
probably always a facade
as the last nine proved
luckily I landed alone damaged but
more myself than ever
siddhatha sitting by the river
hearing the mighty om
detached and letting everything just drift
far from the mind forced meditation
self healing and letting go of the hate
it rose within me
letting go of the anger
it keeps me lonely
losing the chess game is never easy
but in losing somehow winning
no longer seems important compared
to what is learned in defeat
everything in life is temporary
nothing very good or very bad
lasts for very long and my tears
no longer sadness overcoming me
merely smoke in my eyes
as I burn through thoughts
and trees smudging out
every hallway and room in my mind
let it go and let it wander...

imperfect again

trying to re-calibrate the compass

of my life got to figure out

which direction is true

and going to lead me to the peaceful

place I am

not frustrated by my failures

only motivated to get it right

next time around perfection

will be imperfect again

still unstoppable and never looking back

if I end up in a similar place

nothing will be the same

changing daily

never resting

mind still spins

while the body rests

ready to go at any moment…

little bit foreign

hard to believe

sitting alone

shed all the weight

everyone known

suddenly strangers

phone stays silent

twelve years since

holiday season alone

seems a bit foreign

a little bit comfortable

too much

hard to believe

no longer depended on

for anything

from anyone…

regret the 5

old mangled tree needs to be taken down

too many branches threaten to hurt

all those around used to sit in the yard

and watch that willow sway

still probably weeps for it’s location

such a rotten field with a sinking house

abandoned  ideas of love

in a place filled with so much hate

cowardly cougar hopelessly hanging on

but the numbers will catch up

and then there is nothing left

worn out well before then

looking back it was crazy

to try to plant positive

in the rotten field of negativity

almost nothing of worth coming

from a five year mistake

no blame that isn’t my own

in the valley now next to the pond

finding myself positive every moment

left my negativity in the mangled trees

where the cougar dwells waiting

for another unsuspecting catcher of the eye…

never was

standing on the edge

of somewhere I do not know

who you are you hide

and it’s ok just know you have

something to say

wish I knew it when it was then

wasted so much time

left everything I had

for a mistake and a really

bad decision deceived

for five years

and abandoned at the end

made to feel as though

a criminal was born

and I am not never was

but somehow I look

like the fool for believing

any love was real…

much decay

much been revealed

in the months I have been gone

look into these eyes

before they are far gone

what are they on out on

the front lawn just a pawn

much been uncovered

in eight long months

misjudged and then judged

for someone else’s stunts

struck by lightening

in the same spot more than once

much makes me feel

as though I got played

day after day I tried harder

and stayed

knew all along the love

had decayed…

ghost of something strange

look to the sky

where the answers might lie

high above the struggle

trying to reach the sky

when I get there

most likely be alone

show me that face

pound it out with stone

hope to haunt as

the ghost of something great

always the one to wait

should have showed up late

can’t believe what is

learned since then

makes anger seethe

all over again

but my songs on

and it won’t take long

to remember all these

thoughts were not wrong

especially proving I will

always be me

craziest thought that it took

a cage to get free…

mind melts

the games has changed

but I am still all in

don’t know where I am

but I know where I have been

thinking and dreaming

being somewhere else

heating up the mind

until it melts

into something

changed and new

suddenly clarity

came into view

probably here all along

been ignored a lot

some people have

no idea what they are not

important too important

to meet

rather take a ride with

Mr. M.T. Seat

won’t waste another minute

of ink

on someone who

just can’t even think

outside the box

someone else creates with rules

and I won’t necessarily follow

just because they are someone’s rules

games different or I am playing

it better now

some days in the head

easier to forget it all now

so many thoughts

need to be forgotten

some don’t have the time

others are just rotten

in the middle of

everything they want to be

living their pretty little lives

never going to be happy…

ended

spiral eyes

smoke thick

breath still strong

like sunrise

on the darkest

morning

the nightmare has ended…

chill below

a chill follows

down to the spot

beneath the road

to the next stop

before the future

reached as I stretch

out and do nothing

for a day to rest

the body needs to recharge

a chill settles into the area

winter is on the way

repeatedly coming to this spot

below where others reside

somehow alone…

never left

1127/2012 (815 pm) "Pembroke"

never left the house

studying the mind

confined to a spot too small

always been going back

making mix-tapes

for friends drinking

too much coffee then

and now getting no better

never left the house

then either

different city different time

never left the dream

being someone who didn’t

fit the mold fell

between the cracks

and wrote about it

the entire time…

brain cramped

listening to the sound

of thoughts moving

around the brain

cramped and jammed

at most every intersection

backed up probably

going to be late no matter

where the final destination…

listening to silence

as it provides the instructions

as to where

to go next time

around stupidity should

be left behind

if at all possible

to pull the self out

of the incredible space

silence invades…

little heart little stone

a day of thanks

got to where I am

because of the greatest

support and encouragement

shed the dead skin

of merely one year ago

liberated from companionship

don’t mind the quiet

can’t find myself in it

all the time stands still

when thinking of one

little heart left behind

a smile I will never forget

thankful for the memory

the rock she gave me

as I left… 

another month

halfway through another month

where do I go from here

on out I am alone

and eight months has changed

everything about how I view

myself in certain situations

almost through another book

of random thought

of which no one cares

luckily neither do I so I keep

writing as if I have someone to impress

they never know what to say

ignore me where I stand

watch me get louder…

nothing concluded -1

back again

as if I never

left is right

write all day

right all night

stack thoughts

again when I begin

to find myself

where I left off

nothing concluded…

now thought

up really late

jamming words into lines

straight ahead

waiting for thoughts

to settle into words

sometimes they don’t fit

and the wrong idea is conveyed

as if it told a story

instead of capturing

a simple moment

utter disappointment

repeated as if they all follow the same

script idea with different words

levels of confusion depending

on how many lines crisscrossing

each other confusing themselves

up really late then again up really early

catching first light

without a doubt one of

the perfect moments

another simple moment

caught for all to see

who is looking this way

for that might take too much

energy to just be nice for a change

and blame will fall on some

stereotypical imaginary excuse for whatever

bullshit is being brought forth

finally resorting to silence when they can’t

even figure out what they are doing

ignoring everything and who are they

anyway stray from the point

now is the time to appreciate now thought

positive vibes and a perfect view

the sun first light this morning…

sick with more words

confusion 
those are the clouds above

underground base of the pond bottom

night will come 
sooner and leave later

tonight is no different 
confusion and loneliness

sick with all these twists and turns

can’t help but be 
disappointed and disgusted

unknown unseen cruelty on the surface

nothing but lies 
and false hope

tonight is no different 
solitude achieved

sick with more words…

six more months

six more months

gone just like that

still no end in sight

the laws hang heavy

overhead tonight

hammered by hurricane Sandy

teamed up with another

powerful storm

lots of rain and crazy wind

still have power…

midst of it all

sitting alone

nothing but clothes

and books piled

from floor to ceiling

a few blanks still

to be filled

with future ideas

filling pages before

they are seen

in the distance many stand

or sit behind screens

flashing pictures

some will always be

disappointed

when they finally open eyes

and see where they are

too late to wonder

what happened

kept on walking

can’t look behind

all the thoughts

had and could have had

if patience  was really involved

in any thoughts process

probably seeing the storm

but forgetting to enjoy the rain

steady mist may give way

to correct predictions

never know how right

until in the midst of it all…

dark all around

dark all around

one light above

making the page writable

don’t think eye would care

anyway the thoughts don’t stop

the words don’t stop appearing

on the page even if eye struggle

to see eyes struggle to see

any point in this direction

cyclical and eye want to move forward

and not just on the wheel to nowhere

quick thoughts like camera flashes

at a sporting event

somehow connected through words

doing no good when no one

hears them spoken

waiting to be read

if anyone has any time left

misanthropic is the storm approaching

eye never know what to believe

until right underneath it

getting hammered by wind and rain

and solitude only increases

the intensity of the eye

can’t track with a radar

don’t know how to work it

into a conversation

that might never happen

no one really wants to hear the voice

at this point silence is probably best

that’s where it all began

when nothing meant nothing

means anything too late

no explanation necessary

everything explains itself

when eye sit with it long enough

time to find the void

to become it and destroy it…

decipher

so hard to handle

silence speaks volumes

and then it’s up to one

to decipher what everything means

or doesn’t

should it be this hard

to speak the mind given

with thoughts that appear

never asking for anything

or expecting anything

do eye really need to accept

nothing is real

and it’s all a game

this mind is too active to stagnate

need to keep moving forward

and never look behind…

full of something

head always full of thought

full of something

pointing myself at last

in the right direction

standing up to be seen

by those who know I

tend to chill more than most

pen positioned to illustrate

the day or night

pushing the depth of words

to hold more than they are used to holding

too much and letters all fall to the floor

staring up to the sun moon and stars

head always thinking something

beautiful or inspiring or both

or just the opposite when despair hits hard

and leaves quick feeling empty

with no answers and no sense made…

before birth

thinking on steps

forward of course

conversation just flows

without any force

moving steady right direction

man on a horse

not a crash course

history going back to the first source

of life

probably down before birth

before we knew

we were on earth

changes upon changes

almost complete rebirth

like looking into the mirror

finally seeing what it is all worth

paths were gonna cross

just a matter of time

to try to understand thought

untangle them with rhyme

hundred dollar thoughts

won't let me look passed this dime

sit back relax unwind

travel deep within

what will eye find

known longer

than many others

insane life

like my sister’s and my brother’s

moving forward

pen on fire

can’t be smothered

what hides beneath the surface

yet to be discovered…

easily bent

hear ya own mind appreciate what ya find

never mind wait rewind get left behind or confined

to a spot too small no desire to be tall

don’t need to have it all to appreciate it all

just because words are unheard don’t hear me

get near me makes me weary won’t let it steer me or tear me

away from dreams that should be real all that hurt can only steal

ya away from what ya feel threw down ya cards now let me deal

scribble scribble scratch scratch and tear it apart 

quick now build move forward press start 

something new exposed a heart silent bomb blew it apart

pieces all here peace is all here and far from offended

knowing whats real and whats been pretended

can’t be broken if it is easily bended (bent)

if nothing began that means nothing’s ended…

until i pass out

dizzy in the dark pacing loaded

with coffee until a pass out

all that is left to do usually later

dreaming of the strangers

knowing no one can lift the wait

but patience truth and strength

bring  that smile back

plenty of voices and noise

no one is talking to me

don’t even know

make out like I don’t care

because I can’t  got my own dealings

handle came loose and control lost

everything ‘cept these thoughts

contained and unseen to this point

there is positive somewhere beneath

the surface pushing through the ice

reaching for that breath of fresh air

guess I clouded it up too much

but I mistakenly thought that was the point

me in the right direction but I know

where I want to go instead stuck

dizzy in the dark…

rusting

nothing worse than

being dealt the same hand

riding a bike in the sand

not knowing where you will land

nothing better than august

changing since the bust

who the fuck can I trust

this wet metal is starting to rust…

let it roll down

air rushing into and out of

all at once in front of every

bad decision ever made

facing them all with a newer type

attitude one that allows me to walk away

knowing I did what I could to start a fire

still kept frustrated in the dark with wet matches

air rushes all around as if fans blowing

hair straight up if I had any

left at the top of the hill

let it roll down and

maybe I will be waiting

patiently in the basement… 

how many times backwards

backwards now told you

don’t get behind me

if ya don’t want me

to keep on walking

wish the walk was with me

not the other way

back woods smoke alone in a room

like a fishbowl without any light

bumping into myself

backwards walking watching

apparently walking away from

everything not my first choice

or even my second

backwards don’t know

how I ended up where I was

or even where I am…