speed up at the top(for the record)

officially dismissed

soon to be back on my feet
at last able to stand
alone without distraction
 
for the record
nothing to slow this roll
speed up at the top
of every mountain reached
topped with ease
anyone in the way
has got to join
the movement or
get out of the way
no other way
 
for the record
no longer going to spend
the time trying to fit into
some mold someone else
created no one interests me
uninspired by liars
happy to tear through thoughts alone
no one makes the rules
never did try to hide
who I am
more of an open book than ever now
take it or leave it at the base of the mountain
on top of which I stand for myself
at last as they laugh and it’s all right
with me as I laugh along too
a sponge that can hold more
than you can even imagine
try it out you have made it clear
knowing who I am
hope that’s just as clear…

still in the mind

wouldn’t know it from

where you sit not knowing

what I think anyway

as I move into another room

no one knows this

or where I finally gather

thoughts before page before screen

still in the mind

all day trying to figure out

what all the emotions means

and how to detach from them all

and be one with the mind

or no mind at all…

necessary re-invention

closed eyes blinding

light to side of the road

pausing to figure out

where am I supposed to be

going always right direction

heading forward stronger than

the day before closed eyes

beginning and ending of every day

every short moment

every page in the book

of our lives who is really writing

it all down and what is the point

some might make it through

without putting thought to page

or post and I can’t imagine the day

when the pen stops moving

and maybe I truly have no control

or maybe I value the importance

of holding the pen

stuck nearly three years in one book

random thoughts never again

and always keep it moving

steadily re-inventing as necessary

when necessary is necessary

now…

let it go let it wander

at the end of another year
tendency is to look back
at the previous twelve months
to reflect on where one has been
what has or has not changed
everyday struggling to not look back
only straight ahead
even if alone drowning in it
better than that land of make believe
wasted too much time
blinded by something I cannot explain
how I was tricked fooled myself
thinking I was loved respected appreciated
none of which was true
probably always a facade
as the last nine proved
luckily I landed alone damaged but
more myself than ever
siddhatha sitting by the river
hearing the mighty om
detached and letting everything just drift
far from the mind forced meditation
self healing and letting go of the hate
it rose within me
letting go of the anger
it keeps me lonely
losing the chess game is never easy
but in losing somehow winning
no longer seems important compared
to what is learned in defeat
everything in life is temporary
nothing very good or very bad
lasts for very long and my tears
no longer sadness overcoming me
merely smoke in my eyes
as I burn through thoughts
and trees smudging out
every hallway and room in my mind
let it go and let it wander...

imperfect again

trying to re-calibrate the compass

of my life got to figure out

which direction is true

and going to lead me to the peaceful

place I am

not frustrated by my failures

only motivated to get it right

next time around perfection

will be imperfect again

still unstoppable and never looking back

if I end up in a similar place

nothing will be the same

changing daily

never resting

mind still spins

while the body rests

ready to go at any moment…

little bit foreign

hard to believe

sitting alone

shed all the weight

everyone known

suddenly strangers

phone stays silent

twelve years since

holiday season alone

seems a bit foreign

a little bit comfortable

too much

hard to believe

no longer depended on

for anything

from anyone…

regret the 5

old mangled tree needs to be taken down

too many branches threaten to hurt

all those around used to sit in the yard

and watch that willow sway

still probably weeps for it’s location

such a rotten field with a sinking house

abandoned  ideas of love

in a place filled with so much hate

cowardly cougar hopelessly hanging on

but the numbers will catch up

and then there is nothing left

worn out well before then

looking back it was crazy

to try to plant positive

in the rotten field of negativity

almost nothing of worth coming

from a five year mistake

no blame that isn’t my own

in the valley now next to the pond

finding myself positive every moment

left my negativity in the mangled trees

where the cougar dwells waiting

for another unsuspecting catcher of the eye…

never was

standing on the edge

of somewhere I do not know

who you are you hide

and it’s ok just know you have

something to say

wish I knew it when it was then

wasted so much time

left everything I had

for a mistake and a really

bad decision deceived

for five years

and abandoned at the end

made to feel as though

a criminal was born

and I am not never was

but somehow I look

like the fool for believing

any love was real…

much decay

much been revealed

in the months I have been gone

look into these eyes

before they are far gone

what are they on out on

the front lawn just a pawn

much been uncovered

in eight long months

misjudged and then judged

for someone else’s stunts

struck by lightening

in the same spot more than once

much makes me feel

as though I got played

day after day I tried harder

and stayed

knew all along the love

had decayed…

ghost of something strange

look to the sky

where the answers might lie

high above the struggle

trying to reach the sky

when I get there

most likely be alone

show me that face

pound it out with stone

hope to haunt as

the ghost of something great

always the one to wait

should have showed up late

can’t believe what is

learned since then

makes anger seethe

all over again

but my songs on

and it won’t take long

to remember all these

thoughts were not wrong

especially proving I will

always be me

craziest thought that it took

a cage to get free…

mind melts

the games has changed

but I am still all in

don’t know where I am

but I know where I have been

thinking and dreaming

being somewhere else

heating up the mind

until it melts

into something

changed and new

suddenly clarity

came into view

probably here all along

been ignored a lot

some people have

no idea what they are not

important too important

to meet

rather take a ride with

Mr. M.T. Seat

won’t waste another minute

of ink

on someone who

just can’t even think

outside the box

someone else creates with rules

and I won’t necessarily follow

just because they are someone’s rules

games different or I am playing

it better now

some days in the head

easier to forget it all now

so many thoughts

need to be forgotten

some don’t have the time

others are just rotten

in the middle of

everything they want to be

living their pretty little lives

never going to be happy…

ended

spiral eyes

smoke thick

breath still strong

like sunrise

on the darkest

morning

the nightmare has ended…

chill below

a chill follows

down to the spot

beneath the road

to the next stop

before the future

reached as I stretch

out and do nothing

for a day to rest

the body needs to recharge

a chill settles into the area

winter is on the way

repeatedly coming to this spot

below where others reside

somehow alone…

never left

1127/2012 (815 pm) "Pembroke"

never left the house

studying the mind

confined to a spot too small

always been going back

making mix-tapes

for friends drinking

too much coffee then

and now getting no better

never left the house

then either

different city different time

never left the dream

being someone who didn’t

fit the mold fell

between the cracks

and wrote about it

the entire time…

brain cramped

listening to the sound

of thoughts moving

around the brain

cramped and jammed

at most every intersection

backed up probably

going to be late no matter

where the final destination…

listening to silence

as it provides the instructions

as to where

to go next time

around stupidity should

be left behind

if at all possible

to pull the self out

of the incredible space

silence invades…

little heart little stone

a day of thanks

got to where I am

because of the greatest

support and encouragement

shed the dead skin

of merely one year ago

liberated from companionship

don’t mind the quiet

can’t find myself in it

all the time stands still

when thinking of one

little heart left behind

a smile I will never forget

thankful for the memory

the rock she gave me

as I left… 

another month

halfway through another month

where do I go from here

on out I am alone

and eight months has changed

everything about how I view

myself in certain situations

almost through another book

of random thought

of which no one cares

luckily neither do I so I keep

writing as if I have someone to impress

they never know what to say

ignore me where I stand

watch me get louder…

nothing concluded -1

back again

as if I never

left is right

write all day

right all night

stack thoughts

again when I begin

to find myself

where I left off

nothing concluded…

now thought

up really late

jamming words into lines

straight ahead

waiting for thoughts

to settle into words

sometimes they don’t fit

and the wrong idea is conveyed

as if it told a story

instead of capturing

a simple moment

utter disappointment

repeated as if they all follow the same

script idea with different words

levels of confusion depending

on how many lines crisscrossing

each other confusing themselves

up really late then again up really early

catching first light

without a doubt one of

the perfect moments

another simple moment

caught for all to see

who is looking this way

for that might take too much

energy to just be nice for a change

and blame will fall on some

stereotypical imaginary excuse for whatever

bullshit is being brought forth

finally resorting to silence when they can’t

even figure out what they are doing

ignoring everything and who are they

anyway stray from the point

now is the time to appreciate now thought

positive vibes and a perfect view

the sun first light this morning…

sick with more words

confusion 
those are the clouds above

underground base of the pond bottom

night will come 
sooner and leave later

tonight is no different 
confusion and loneliness

sick with all these twists and turns

can’t help but be 
disappointed and disgusted

unknown unseen cruelty on the surface

nothing but lies 
and false hope

tonight is no different 
solitude achieved

sick with more words…