lonely(for the record)

the fire was started

with a page from this book

under clear night sky

fire now roars

for the record

I could and do

stare into the flames for hours

thinking and hoping for a better day

somehow reaping what I was sowing

lonely when I shouldn’t be

been taking a lot of pictures

documenting moments

in this here life

for some reason or for the sake

of doing it ideas changing

as the fire burns the wood

to nothing

for the record

the silence too

golden alone under

cloudless air

above only thoughts

keep the vigil out

behind the house…

burning again (for the record)

burning again

first day of summer

longest day of the year

been awake most of it

the breeze feels cool

that fire burns

hot on top of sheets

layered will be under them

resting soon

4 the record

best part of the day

where I have always belonged

resting soundly

loving madly

waking lucky each morning

all the sounds of tonight

surround friend and companion passed

somehow always here

by my right arm

or beneath my feet

when I burn

longest day of the year

still under sensei cloud

still under clear night sky

4 the record...

air is exhaust fumes

this is my track off of the DRC Halloween Whammy 2

 AIR IS EXHAUST FUMES by nicefro 

as it burns

 AS IT BURNS by nicefro 

beginning from the end

 BEGINNING FROM THE END by nicefro

fire blog #5

get a better look

fire burns slow

all the rain makes

it sizzle as if something

comes to a boil

crossed eyes

are heavy ones

some pollen

some herb related

fire burns slow

as the days

continue to extend

wind blows

fire becomes active

heating up

the entire area

wooden spokes

around the wheel of flames

takes on another form

spreading out

to get a better look

at all that sits behind

to enjoy the warm

stones only minutes

hours later

hot too touch face

before eyes close

each night

beginning of so many

more with a fire

burning slow and even the morning

rain couldn’t soak the wood

enough although

the fire burns slow…

fire blog #4

fire blog #3

this is an old dog house that was just taking up space so...

...it is no more

fire blog #2

fire blog

my cat is really brave

new fire place

this took me 5 hours to build...  I moved my old fire place and constructed a new one.  I am going to document my fires so stay tuned to the fire blog.

it will burn

never looked into eyes

if you did you’d see no disguise

rise from the ashes of everything done

rise like the ocean rise like the sun

so many choices and thoughts won’t quit

so much light no matter how you measure it

contemplating each move like in a chess game

got to think three moves ahead you know the name

behind a dark screen sitting with wonder

stare into the light all night you might ponder

the thoughts that won’t let you be

one with yourself high over the tree

never looked into eyes

flat on your back you look at the skies

clear for now until clouds come

closed eyes tight you still hear the hum

from far away and anticipate a return

fire so hot without touch it will burn

walk with these thoughts there and back

walk with new thoughts as they come to attack

the regularity of reality makes you crazy to think

in your own thoughts you stand then you sink…

to closed eyes it's a train

what’s that date really mean

how could anyone really know

for sure and now too much

focus if reality distracted

until naturally disaster strikes

with power that cannot be stopped

and seen by cameras worldwide

inside drops helplessness seen worldwide

questions about how much everyone

will be radiated it’s in the good book

or written on some wall somewhere

and man may in fact destroy himself

what does any of it really mean

to closed eyes it’s a train thundering by

but it’s only the wind on one of those days

before spring moves in for a stay

focused on thoughts distracted

and fighting the reality presented

until that last day silently

as the flower turns to the sun

just like it heard every word

and believed every prediction

presented reality isn’t as it presented

we are all in the dark

honestly though can we imagine

being helpless in the dark…

break through like sun again

whatever time it really is

hidden by the clouds

then burned by the sun

warming us again

a year ago season began the same

one day of sun and wind

taking cold away

hard to keep up

still putting it down

in pen first always

outside waiting

eventually finding

that balance in between

now and what time it really is

hidden behind the method

to this madness trying to find

the right way to break through

like sun again…

what is on the mind

clinging to the last threads
of life almost ninety years
and every breath seems to be
approaching the last
nothing we can do
watching as death comes slow
wanting to be with her
when she goes
my dad’s mom
so painful to see
wondering what the mind does
at that point
in the hallway between
life and death…

figure of thought

face the wall under low light

and the shadow cast on the page

of my own hand moving one side

to the other as if it operates

on it’s own without direction

thoughts fill the mind

no talent here just words

to describe thoughts

because I can’t paint pictures

don’t ever ask what I am thinking

read it here and know

it’s always been you I think of

when you fill my heart

as it pounds faster when you

hold me close and close isn’t

close enough for me

insatiable in that way

a fatal flaw never want

to be the pillow that keeps

the breath away just

a figure of thought

face the wall and understand

it’s always going to be

where I want to be…

sixth on the right

disaster strikes

and snow will

be dumped down

on top or so they say

don’t blink

be happy and ignore

the ugly facts

and lack of friends

don’t need them never did

just wanted to feel loved

and I do so I will stop

complaining

and wait for disaster to strike

once or twice

like a man without a country

done in a day

right before or during disaster

should be more secure

know the self and what I am doing

pen in hand the eleventh finger

sixth on the right

like a plastic bag over the face

told I am my own disaster and I found

all I want right here got worries still

it makes me human

or so I thought just don’t like

disastrous surprises that will do more

damage than the impending snow to come

sudden chill up one arm

and down the other

inside at last with pen and no smoke

listening to the sounds all around

used to be music I chose

now I listen as a teenager talks

to his video game has no idea

the disaster that may loom ahead

not so far off the point always

that there is no point to anything

and no matter how good

is done the worst I have been

is what is remembered

pen still in hand it won’t fall

even when I do…

all day it lasted

new thought

same lined page below

recording the thoughts

that pop into the head

trying to remember

what it felt like to grow up

just so I can identify

with the younger one

around the house

there were days when nothing

could erase the darkness

all day it lasted

one day realized

it can be no more

new thought of confidence

in decision to face it myself

determination not to let

it disturb another day in my life

remembering suddenly those years

it took to change and realize change

really never ends until

the bitter end of times

whenever it arrives to stop time

and it really doesn’t make much sense

all for what there has got to be a purpose

in this here new thought…

the broom

the broom is on the floor

but it won’t pick anything up

unless someone picks it up

the coffee is always hot

but drinkable just the same

sometime it gets lonely

at the kitchen table

no one needs me

or joins me for dinner

will leave my coat on

just in case I have to leave

or go hang with the cat

not because I have fleas

just because the smell in the air

is new shoe smell

that’s the only way to describe it

the broom is still on the floor

because everyone walks

right over it…

apparently enough

feel like twisting the mind

it’s the only way to get thought out

right around four o’clock

and nearly dark as these eyes

been open all day to everything

around and no one has been around

just a lot of rain getting lost

in the drips in the bowl until full

then overflowing doesn’t matter

everything is wet two days now

and the chill doesn’t help

out around the house

random strange thoughts

had one when the television

turned on seemingly by itself

not at all that odd

except no remote control involved

in a thought more about it

after it gets dark pen will still move

quick-like drinking too much

and not eating enough

always hungry without the smoke

everything is different

spot to put thought down

like words just for the sake

of taking thought out of the mind

twisted in the wind

and the storm never really got

too strong apparently enough…

cat trips me up

the cat trips me up as I

walk around the room looking for my place

within the head I carry

while I walk wherever I might

walk for days at a time when others

might sit or run the other way

when I think about it long enough

do I really have anything to say

and who is really listening

to the voice everyone else hears

not like the voice heard in the head

born into this world without choice

decision already made myself fall asleep

with pen in hand book open

for thought coffee is still hot

been there all day…

Drugratz Halloween Whammy 2

the latest download from DRC and the CTS crew with a track by yours truly...

download it and check it out

http://www.zshare.net/download/8219118815d1abc4/

suddenly clear

feel accomplished

just about nothing

today made me wonder

what to do not under

estimate someday

someone day it’ll

be important

notes taken

unseasonable day

no wind no clouds

this is what needs

to be positive change

made it all possible

cleared the air

almost as fast

all of a sudden…

unhealthy

just listening to the sound

the fire crackles

as the afternoon starts to expire

eyes get lost

in the lines in the lawn

last cut a week now

may not need it again this year

more random observations

from the chair

in the middle of the yard

I just want to sleep

bored with pen in hand…

note taker

nothing to say at all
the wind makes me nervous
that one of the pines will fall
and destroy all that has been built below
chance taken to be here
but where else and who else
would put up with all the thoughts
passing by like the parade
that doesn’t end
the cat is tired caught by the dog
but only for a second
will probably have nightmares for weeks
but he’s got nothing to say either
because he’s a cat and cats don’t speak
or I can’t hear them
or I just don’t have anything better to do
then to try to make something out of nothing
marking up blank spots in notebooks
am I the note taker
keeping track of something
for someone I haven’t even met
in a time I do not know
why I move the pen so much
all the time but not enough
to make it matter to those
who need to take notice
whoever they are and wherever they might be
not where I sit head to table
because I threw away
my addiction nearly one month ago…

down gets me down

no thought is perfect
situation gone bad
move resulting in a set back
far enough it still unfolds
correctly read the thought
notice it will run on
top of that it doesn’t stop
me from pushing forward
movement is positive
even on a cloudy day
today turned out
nothing but sun and blue above
the stars were bright before
the sun rose up this morning
it must mean something
hasn’t been said
so many times
how hard has it been
to put down smoke
for days at a time
like this would be easy
some would like to think
simple acts are the easiest to put down
with the quickness first to say
it’s the hardest things I have ever tried to do
something positive everyday
drama gets me down
and being down gets me down
as well as I can be
given the skills accumulated
after all these years
what would we do
if it wasn’t done here
where it all began
with limited time
why would we waste it
a part of the whole
dug myself down
as if I was expecting a battle
and got the entire war
all at once…

random note 1010

is there any significance
to the date and historic events
if so then something historic
should happen today
probably won’t but it should
ten ten ten
and the ink doesn’t dry so fast
probably shouldn’t have touched words
before they had a chance
to sit and sink into the page
stares back at me daring me to look away
and I do with blurry eyes
focused on something that isn’t present
at the moment the cat
is always with me
even if I made him sleep outside

ten ten / twenty-ten

the date says a lot
not exactly sure what it means
and from where i sit
it must not mean much
it's a boring day
the weather is nice
it is cool like fall should be...

16 days without

can’t explain why
it is so hard to understand why
it began almost twenty years ago
follow the leader and got hooked
like all the other fools
sucking on smoke can’t explain why
still not easy by now to feel
as though quitting has been a success
drinking coffee and trying to find something
to fill the void where once a cigar was held
now with a pen trying to write my way
out of the habit I don’t want to miss
but I do
it’s been sixteen days
shouldn’t be hard to make it one more…

eleven times three

hard to look into the glass
showing who I am to others
see it different eyes seeing Fall
in the air all around
each corner holds something
still is not quite right
now is the only time held
close so it will not disappear
too fast already a memory
only made to fade
like the color of this shirt
hard to look into the mind
left alone will flip out of control
what is seen and heard
by the smallest ears in the house
still knows the sound
of my voice heard as I try
to sleep anytime of day
fine for some rest of the day spent undoing
the rest gathered over the closed eyes hours
hard to look into the eyes
of the self my worst critic
analyzing every move made
every brick laid before feet
as I walk from there
to here and back to where
I started to see clear
like the skies until the clouds
push themselves between
these eyes and the sun 
working hard until the day is done...

pointing out the obvious

afternoon sun reaching through trees
the cat joins me at the table
neighbors are starting to get loud
labor day weekend
summer's last dance
until the next time around
pointless thoughts
pointing out the obvious
to anyone paying attention
given to a random detail
burned out fire smell in the air cooler now
afternoon sun and the birds will sing all day long
and the cat falls asleep against my arm...

wouldn't have known it then

I work in a different kind of market now
still selling the food
still stacking the fruit for the most part
all the workers are a little friendlier different from in the typical market
even the customers are less irritated almost glad to be there
some who come every day
just like the old market where I was nearly twenty years
the regulars who knew me by name
work passes faster in a different kind of market
still miss that sixth day of work
and the higher pay gone in a blink of an eye
an extremely unfortunate turn of events
somehow all for the best
wouldn't have known it then
when the entire life got changed
no one in the old market had my back
let me walk and burn the bridge
thoughts are different in a different kind of market
still selling the food
still stacking the fruit for the most part
it's all the same eventually
even in a different kind of market...

trapped otherwise

don't know what to say

or how to say it right

in the middle of another summer day

lone guitar heard

through the backyard trees

carried as the wind picks up

and brings it louder

to the untrained ear

it sounds out of tune

in here for an eye full

of words poor conveyors

of these thoughts

trapped otherwise

never fully realized

how important it is

to move the pen daily

meditations to better the self

blinded in the afternoon

sun rise this morning

was picture worthy

snap shot to begin

the day is right here...

old thirty-three

sometimes haunted by

thoughts from the old house

words written forever trapped

the back of wood panel walls

never to be seen again

the piece never to be completed

sometimes haunted by the thoughts

from the basement

at old 33…

slight breeze

the kind of heat

when the slightest breeze

feels cooler than the last

might be the imagination

rumble in the distance

sounded as real as the sweat

running down forehead

onto the page below

the boy uses a sprinkler

under a trampoline

to cool down

flipping over and over

and then he will tire

lasts about fifteen minutes

the kind of heat they call oppressive

the humidity makes it hard to breathe

still it makes every breeze appreciated

and anticipated like tonight’s rain

as if the first in days

which it is how many hot ones

before the cooler air

comes back around…

nothing to do

sun is shining and the air is heavy

no one reads poetry

if they do I don’t know them

well enough to tell them I have

something or nothing to say

boring myself would be an understatement

at this point I need a GPS for life

sun is shining through a hazy sky

looking down to where I sit

daily trying to understand

why I put pen to page

and used to do it daily

as if I had something to say

or was it nothing to do…